Sub Boys and Dom Girls: An examination of kink at UO

I’ve been a submissive guy since I was a small child.

It’s who I am and it’s never changed. It’s my sexuality — just as you can’t change being gay, I can’t change being a sub. I know dominant women feel the same way.

I don’t want to be a strong, masculine, confident, dominant man. That’s not who I am. I feel comfortable with my submissive masculinity, even though others try to take it from me. It’s hard to find safe spaces where I can be myself.

But my entire life I’ve felt excluded and shamed for who I am and what makes me comfortable. We live in a heteronormative patriarchal society; being the opposite of patriarchal makes you an outcast, and you are shamed and have to live in the shadows.

I’m often called “gay” online if I express who I am or my desires. But I’ve never been attracted to men. I’m straight — I am only attracted to people with female sex organs.

I often feel that vanilla girls will try to shame me for who I am just as men do. I’ve seen non-dominant girls saying it’s an “ick” for a guy to be submissive; they think that submissive men are weird and undesirable. In doing so, they hold up patriarchal values.

It’s fine if they’re not into it, but I don’t want to feel shamed and bullied just because it’s not something they’re personally into. If you’re a non-dominant girl, and you find that the guy you’re with is submissive, please do not shame them. Instead, just say “I’m sorry but I’m not into that”.

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The trouble I encounter at UO is that I feel as though it’s a very vanilla, conformist campus. It feels hostile towards those with nonconformist sexual needs.

On dates I often feel uncomfortable because the girl I’m with usually expects me to be a certain way and fit in a certain box. I obviously cannot come clean about my identity on the first date; I don’t want to make people uncomfortable. But it’s difficult not being able to be upfront about what I need in that kind of relationship. For me personally, a girl being sexually dominant is a make-or-break deal.

In turn, girls I’m on dates with often try to fit themselves into an image that they believe I want to see. Girls believe that most guys want “submissive,” innocent, “womanly” girls that the guy can swoop in and lead around. But I’m not attracted to it. It sometimes feels fake, like a performance.

As our professor discussed gender performativity in my Gender in Media class, it became apparent to me that this was part of the “problem” I’ve kept being faced with. As a straight man I’d never even heard of the concept of gender performativity before, but I now realize that it helps sum up the difficulties I find while dating.

When I date people in the kink community, I don’t face these issues of performativity. They feel like they’re being themselves. They’ve freed themselves from the conventions and performance of gender. They feel comfortable, and so do I.

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It’s a lot easier for me to go out with people who know “the deal” — people who know what we’re looking for from the very start.

As such, I personally will try to find spaces that provide a layer of protection or anonymity so that I can find my sexual counterparts.

The anonymity provided on apps such as YikYak at UO allowed me to finally meet dominant girls for the first time in my life. My first time felt perfect. I felt like myself and in my own skin. I felt all the anxiety in my life completely wash away.

However, that anonymity comes as both a blessing and a curse. As Sophomore year came, new and less-accepting students attended UO, and I became subject to more harassment and shaming than the year before. It was no longer safe for people like us.

So I tried moving on to other apps and websites such as Fetlife and FET. But the problems are that those websites contain bots, scammers, and unsolicited messages.

Eventually, I came back to YikYak, and things felt much more like how they did in Freshman year. There were still intolerant freshmen, but I felt much better about being myself.

However, I do truly believe there needs to be a community meant specifically for kinky people at UO. Such a community should not only offer some form of anonymity and confidentiality, but also free of shame and free of danger from men. Not only that, but also non-kinky people on YikYak can be free of those kinds of discussions.

Perhaps this can be done via some kind of secret club, with an entrance code that can only be given in exchange for an agreement that no person’s identity in kink be discussed outside of the club?

This club could also have an open Telegram group for virtual communication, in case members do not yet feel safe or comfortable meeting in-person with their kinky identities.

The options are all here, and I hope that kinky people at UO can unite in a safe space and be ourselves without fear of judgment.

Sexual liberation is not only for vanilla people.